Voldemort has tea with the Dementors
by lainshadow
Summary: Voldemort has tea with the Dementors - A Children's tale filled with bad language and twigs. Rated for language


**Harry Potter one shot parody fic**

**Voldemort has tea with the Dementors**

Voldemort tiptoed silently along the outer walls on the south side of Hogwarts. So far no-one had spotted him. The confuscious charms placed on the school wouldn't work on him. His eyes darted around looking for any sign of movement_. Rabbit. Bush… twig._ Nothing of interest… _though that twig did look quite cool_… He continued to skirt the wall. The twigs image ingrained firmly into his mind. _Oh the way the knot in its fine supple body twisted…_

Soon he slowed down. He knew the gate to the school was close and that would mean Dementors. Some would ask why in the hell he was choosing to enter the school via the front gate but Voldemort's reasoning was _It's so bloody obvious they'll never think of it!_ A moment of genius, at least that's what he said. But his 'genius' hadn't really helped him much before.

Voldemort stopped behind a small thorn bush. He'd never much liked thorn bushes, (ever since his 'friend' Stebbington pushed him into one when he was 6), but he concluded it would do for a hiding place. He needed to observe the areas and routes the Dementors patrolled. The wind blew around him whipping his fringe into his eye-linered eyes. Wormtail had said the fringe made him look 'emo'. Voldemort had no clue what that meant so he took it as a compliment, he thought the fringe made him look more mysterious.

The wind ceased to blow and Voldemort flicked his head in an over exaggerated manner to clear his vision of his fringe. He began to observe his surroundings more closely. Rabbit. Bush _duh._ Twig. _Another twig?_ He reached a bony hand for it. He couldn't reach. _Damn it! _He leant forward and extended his arm. He grasped the twig and pulled it close. _Pretty twig. Even more pretty than the other twig…_And while Voldemort admired the structure and elegance of his twig he failed to notice two Dementors gliding their way gracefully across the stiff frozen grass toward him.

"Damn students. I mean why do we get the shitty patrol jobs? You never see Eustace on patrol! No! He's too busy kissing super-duper head of wing 2 Maloney's arse! Chrissakes! Can't super-duper head of wing 2 Maloney see bloody Eustace only wants a promotion? He got a two Knut pay rise last week! Two frikkin Knuts!"

_preeeetty twig. I name you…._

"I know Emile but we must do our jobs. We shall be the voice of reason within the corrupt and bent policing systems that our fellow Dementors have succumbed to! We shall resist and gather others to our cause and others willing to fight for true justice!"

_Alice!_

"Zachary that is the biggest load of bollocks I have ever heard."

"I know Emile I'm sorry… Emile…"

"Yes Zachary?"

"I believe there is a wizard hiding behind that thorn bush!"

_uh-oh_. Uh-oh indeed. The Dementors came to a halt.

"Ah yes! I see him! He appears to be clutching a twig to his chest!"

"Oh how I long for that freedom. The freedom to clutch twigs to ones bosom is a freedom few have!"

"Quite…" The Dementors paused before making their final approach. Voldemort desperately tried to think how to escape but he could only think of running. Dementors can out run any man and no curse would work against them except for a Patronus, the one spell he had never been able to master.

"Well hullo chaps! I say what are you doing out at this time of the evening?" Voldemort plastered a fake grin to his face. _Geeeenius._

"We could ask the same of you!" Emile challenged

"Yes, yes we could!" Zachary said nodding frantically "It's our job this! Yeah this is our job!"

"Zachary there is no need to get defensive. He was merely asking a perfectly reasonable question!"

"Sorry Emile but after our con…"

"yes I understand you are riled but there is absolutely no reason to take it out on the poor fellow. Look at the way he's clutching that twig!" Voldemort looked down, he was clutching the twig rather tightly. _They know my weakness!_

"Don't harm Alice!" he cried. _Yes. Throw them off the scent…_

"Alice?" the Dementors looked at each other and Voldemort started to shuffle further behind the bush away from view…

After a small tussle, the Dementors finally dragged Voldy and Alice from the depths of the bush. "so what's your name anyway?" Emile asked as he and Zachary dragged a rather limp Voldy (still clutching Alice) to the gate where they had started their patrol. "Voldemort…I mean my name is… is Collin. Voldemort Collins?" Voldy looked rather sheepish after his rather lame attempt at a false name.

"Voldemort Collins eh? Well isn't that something Zachary! You know Mr Collins we're here to protect the school from a guy called Voldemort. You know "he who must not be named" and all that…" Emile said staring into the fire Zachary conjured up.

"Tea old chap?" asked Zachary.

"Ummm.. No thanks. I should be off. Just passing through really…" Voldy started edging away before Emile grabbed him.

"Passing through looked like you were hiding behind that bush to me!"

Zachary nodded. "well… I err… Dropped Alice so I went to pick her up and then umm… you lot turned up and well… Dementors are quite imposing so I was going to sneak away but being the umm… sharp fellows you are, you spotted me…"

"Aah! I see. Well we don't bite!" Emile smiled

"No we just suck souls!" Zachary chimed in, Voldy visibly paled and Zachary got a slap round the back of the head from Emile.

"So tea it is." _Ping!_ "Tea cakes as well Mr Collins?" Emile piled the food and drink into poor Voldy's lap, leaving him no choice but to make small talk with the Dementors and eat and drink and generally socialize.

After the tea had been drunk and they were all sated Voldemort chirped up "well I must be off! Really did stay to long! Thank you for the tea and cake though!"

"well it was nothing Voldy! See you soon I hope." Zachary stood up as did Emile and Voldemort.

"Yes, we couldn't have been more happy to entertain you, here's my phone number. Do call and we can arrange a get together sometime!"

"Oh of course!" Voldemort started backing off. "Bye!" and we that he scurried off.

"Oh drat Emile look!!"

"Oh bugger Zachary its Eustace!!!"

"S'cuse me lads! But was or was that not he who must not be named!" Eustace's burly figure towered over them.

Emile finally piped up "no sir! It was not. It was a Mr Voldemort Collins!"

One may as well have seen steam erupting from Eustace's ears.

"You fucking idiots! It was a false fucking name! It was Fucking Voldemort and you let him get the fuck away!" the two Dementors looked at each other.

"well you wanna know what Eustace?" Zachary said straightening up and puffing out his chest.

"what?"

SMACK!

And with that both Eustace and Zachary socked Eustace in the jaw…

_I got away sweet Alice. Screw Potter. It shall be just me and you and occasionally Wormtail when I need my bunions rubbing. But my dear sweet Alice, if you dislike him I shall dismiss him and then it really be just us. Just us Alice. Just us together forever._

So this little one-shot was written by my friend bleh!the vamp. She dosn't usually write fanfiction and she dosn't usually read HP but I was telling her about the challenge  
fic that I've recently completed and she was inspired I guess...I will pass on all comments and critisism as she dosn't have an account but if she does this story will  
be re-located there.  
huggles Lain


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